A different kind of G-20

Boy, that G-20 summit sure didn't last long, did it?

Well, if you weren't quite prepared to see the world-leader gathering in London end so abruptly, you've come to just the right place.

Today, I am presenting my first –and hopefully last– G-tube summit.

Yup, here are 20 Random Declarations about the G-tube: the 12-inch rubbery hose into which I pour three square meals of liquid Isosource each day.

Bon appétit!

• Officially, the "G" in "G-tube" stands for "gastric" or "gastronomy" but you can make the G stand for whatever you want.
  
  
• Having a G-tube meal by candlelight may make the feeding experience more romantic, but it also carries the risk of melting the tube and searing the lining of your stomach.
  
  
• Having a G-tube is a great excuse to not do sit-ups.
  
  
• Having a G-tube is a great excuse to not do exercise of any kind.
  
  
• The "G" in "G-tube" could stand for "groovy" just as well as "grisly."
  
  
• A chiseled abdomen with a G-tube is a sexier look than you might think.
  
  
• There is no relationship between G-tubes and G-spots.
  
  
• Gas allows you to do some pretty spiffy tricks with a G-tube.
  
  
• All TSA agents are trained to see a passenger's G-tube as a threat to national security.
  
  
• Looping a G-tube around a tree limb and swinging upside-down is a great way to relax.
  
  
• A search of the term "G-tube" on YouTube produces alarming results.
  
  
• The part of the G-tube that rests against the abdomen is known as a "Mickey," but so far Disney lawyers have not sought a claim that using that name is a violation of their copyright.
  
  
• A G-tube can be an effective launching pad for fireworks.
  
  
• Some exotic dancers incorporate their G-tube into their performances, and dress it up with glitter to match their G-string.
  
  
• A G-tube that becomes uncapped in bed produces a spill equivalent in volume to the oil released by the Exxon Valdez.
  
  
• Singing into a G-tube valve is common on karaoke nights in nursing homes.
  
  
• There is nothing unpatriotic about placing your G-tube over your heart during performances of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
  
  
• Square-dancers are known to tug on G-tubes to make their partner spin.
  
  
• Spies who have G-tubes are known to grind up classified information and feed it into their tube.
  
  
• Composing a list of 20 observations about a G-tube is not as easy as you might think.