Friday, July 17, 2009
Today's post is rated R
I hope that I'm not being too frank when I say that I put whatever sex life I had on ice after getting a G-tube and a trach.
My perception of my own sex appeal had already dropped a notch or two last summer when I got dentures, but the trach and G-tube pushed it off the charts. You'd be surprised at how unsexy plastic tubing for body parts make you feel, and I gotta figure that any potential sex partner would feel the same way.
Oh, I bet that if I really applied myself to do the research, I would discover a community of fetishists out there who don't give a hoot about six-pack abs but who really get turned on when a guy unbuttons his shirt and a 12-inch plastic hose spills out from his tummy. Finding those rubber-chasers, however, just hasn't been a priority.
A satisfying evening for me means unwinding on my couch reading and watching a DVD or two.
As far as sex is concerned, well, lately, I've been pretending that the men who ring Mary Richards' doorbell in "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" actually show up at my place after Mary brushes them off. Mary has a new beau in practically every episode, and if they get as much as a chaste kiss from her before the credits roll, they're lucky. So this steady parade of frustrated lawyers, salesmen, airplane pilots and Minnesota Vikings keeps me busy.
Or if I'm trying to take my mind off sex, I reach for some bland reading material.
Last night, that reading fare was the July-August edition of the AARP Bulletin.
The AARP Bulletin and its upscale cousin AARP: The Magazine have been showing up in my mailbox regularly ever since I finally bit the bullet and sent 15 bucks to AARP and became a dues-paying member. You can guess the kinds of articles that fill their pages: editorial pieces on Medicare, estate planning and thwarting calls from telemarketers and ads for cell phones with large numerals, retractable awning and Dr. Scholl's leather comfort loafers.
By reading AARP publications in favor of glossies like GQ and Vanity Fair, I can feel secure that no else my age is getting much action, either.
The current AARP Bulletin, however, turned that perception upside down. On Page 25, opposite an item on Medicare Part D reform and a portrait of Ted Kennedy, is a full-page advertisement that would make my jaw drop if I could move it at all.
The headline —which is trademarked– is "Sex. It's Never Too Late to Learn Something New" and the photo shows a man who may be wearing a tuxedo wrapping his arms around the waist of a woman in black pumps and a naughty red dress. They're leaning against a pool table and the energy I pick up from the ad tells me that any second they will be sweeping the billiard balls off the table and hopping on top.
The ad copy promotes a "discreet home video" showing "real people demonstrating real sexual techniques! Nothing is left to the imagination!"
There are four videos in all: Volume One: Sex and Love: Lasting Pleasures features "imaginative sensual foreplay and lovemaking . . . new positions to try . . . experimenting with 'new intimacies' . . . plus finding humor and joy in a long-term loving relationship." Volume Two: Advanced Sexual Techniques spotlights "detailed instruction for intimate love-making beyond intercourse . . . ultra-sensual massage . . . exciting games . . . plus specific positions that provide stimulation AND satisfaction!"
If you buy those videos, you get two additional videos free: 26 Incredible Sexual Positions ("guaranteed to surprise and inspire you") and 6 Amazing Better Sex Techniques ("proven tips and turn-ons").
When I saw this ad, I started blushing and breathing heavily through my trach, and I had to hurriedly turn the page before my G-tube started to melt.
Six pages later, near an ad for a two-seated motorized wheelchair, I spotted another amorous couple. This ad was for a "revolutionary new" gadget called a "Vacurect" which seems to be a type of vacuum that doesn't care about the dust bunnies beneath your bed. I should just leave it at that, except I did find it interesting that you apparently can get your hands on the Vacurect by billing it to Medicare.
Does the "R" in "AARP" stand for randy? The AARP Bulletin was getting me so hot and bothered, I just had to put it away in a drawer in my nightstand.
I spent the rest of the evening watching more episodes of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." In one of them, Mary dated an IRS agent about a dozen times and still hadn't put out.
Mary Tyler Moore is 72 years old now, and very well may subscribe to AARP publications. If she's sending away for sex videos and Vacurects, I don't wanna hear about it.