Life is goof

As a guy in his 50s who is living with AIDS and cancer, you might think I'd be more circumspect about what I do with my time.

I mean, what if I'm in the caboose of my days? Other people in this position might spend their hours chanting or clutching their rosary beads to save their own skin, or burying their noses in medical journals in search of a cure for these diseases.

Can I help it if I like to goof off?

Don't think less of me because I admit this. Deep down, I bet you feel the same way.

Movies are great for goofing, and I'd rather watch them in theaters rather than at home. In a dark theater, I don't have to catch glimpses of all of my prescription bottles and cans of Isosource with my peripheral vision and I don't have to feel guilty about not scrubbing down the mildew in my bathroom every time I take a potty break.

First thing I do every Friday morning is flip through the pages of the L.A. Times Calendar section and plot which movies I want to see over the weekend.

You'd be horrified if you knew the dreck that I willfully pay good money to see on the first day of release, often bolting to the movies as soon as I get out of work.

July 10 has been circled on my calendar for months, because I'm very hot to see a movie that opens today.

Judging from the aggressive marketing campaign, this film may be the stupidest release of the year that Michael Bay did not direct.

I don't want to contribute to the marketing tsunami that has been building for this cinematic event by telling you its name, but I pray that this particular release is every bit as dumb as it looks.

Gordon Gekko said "greed is good." Paul Serchia says stupid is even better.

I'm not worried about throwing my money away on a first-run film that isn't even 90 minutes long. For weeks I've been carrying around a free movie pass in my wallet, and I intend to finally redeem it tonight.

In May, at my local Monstroplex, I snuck into one of the theaters where "Up" in 3D was playing after buying a ticket to see something else. They told me at the box office that "Up" was sold out but when I saw no one standing by the door checking tickets, I quickly snatched a pair of 3D glasses and scampered into the theater, where I fumbled in the dark until I managed to find an empty seat.

"Up" was a wonderful film. But the screen had a little smudge of dirt on it and I found it mildly distracting. So after the lengthy "Up" credits completed rolling, I put on my Angry Consumer mug and looked for someone to hear my complaint. Not being able to speak, I handed a note saying that the screen in Theater 13 was filthy to two kids at the customer service counter.

The kids stared at me, looked at each other, and then contacted someone on a walkie-talkie. And then they gave me a free pass. They probably felt lucky that I didn't club them over their heads with a walker with tennis balls for wheels.

Anyhow, by accepting that pass and cheating Hollywood out of 10 or 12 bucks, I probably gained momentum on my descent into hell.

It'll all even out. The summer is young and I have a lot of goofing to do. Chances are I'll catch the movie I'm seeing tonight more than once during its run in the theaters.

Especially if it's stüpid.