Nurse No-show

My calendar had a bright red circle around today's date.

Kaiser was sending a home health nurse named Mary to my apartment to assess my situation today. I wasn't given a time to expect the nurse, I was told only that Mary would call when she arrived so I could buzz her in.

I got my shower out of the way early so that I wouldn't miss Mary's call. And then I got out my cleaning supplies to get the apartment presentable.

The last thing I wanted Mary to think was that her new assignment would be nursing a pig. I swept and mopped the kitchen floor, vacuumed the living room, fluffed up the pillows on the sofa, and scrubbed the counter top, shower tiles and toilet in the bathroom.

And then I sat on the sofa with the phone in my lap and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Around 4 p.m., my best buddy sent a text message asking if I wanted some company.

It seemed fairly certain that Nurse Mary had stood me up so I told him sure.

The only problem was the apartment looked suspiciously clean: cleaner than it would need to be if I knew it was only my buddy coming by to visit.

I didn't want him to think that I was throwing away money on a maid's service, so I erased the vacuum lines in the carpet, scattered some debris on the kitchen floor, and replaced the good pillows on the sofa with the ones stained with drool, and put the guest towels in the bathroom back in the closet.

While my buddy and I watched an old episode of "Bewitched" in my comfortably disheveled digs, the phone rang.

I thought it might be Nurse Mary calling to say that she would be coming by after all, so I gestured to my buddy to pick up the phone.

Turned out to be someone calling to see if I had purchased a cemetery plot for myself yet.

Judging from what my friend said to the caller, I don't expect them to call back. I felt sorry for the guy. It must get tedious making cold calls on people to pitch cemetery plots, and he will never know how close he came to a live prospect.

The "Bewitched" episode saved the day from being a total wipe-out. I don't know if Nurse Mary keeps weekend hours but I may as well get up early again tomorrow, drag out the cleaning supplies and prepare for Mary's visit.

This place is a pig sty again.