Monday, October 19, 2009

Where's Sweeney Todd when you really need him?

I shaved on Monday night, and I expect a badge for courage in the mail by the end of the week.

It was scary as hell because I had to use a mirror. For about 45 minutes, under a bright, unforgiving light, I subjected myself to the image that the rest of the world has to deal with around the clock.

If I had the cojones to take a self-portrait right now and post it on this blog, I'm sure that many of you would scoff, "You call that a shave?!" There are entire patches of whiskers on my face that I left alone.

My straight-edge razor just won't go to those places. The skin has hardened to granite and the surface is lumpy. Getting a clean shave in those regions of my face is like trying to landscape Mount Rushmore with a lawnmower.

Other parts of my face are clear sailing for my razor. The area between my upper lip and my nose —has that part of the body been given a name yet?— is still soft as a baby's behind and the area below my ears present no problem for the most part.

But my neck, chin and the area below my lower lip are a No Man's Land. And because I lack feeling in those places, I can't really tell when I nick myself until I see blood oozing out and making candy stripe-like swirls with the shaving cream.

I put the blade away for the night. In the morning, before heading out to work, I'll see if I can make some last-minute improvements before heading to the office.

I don't expect perfection, but it makes me feel better if I at least try.

And I better add Band-aids to my list of items to pick up on my weekly runs to Ralphs.


  1. I recommend getting a 3 or 4 blade razor. I usually don't like spending the extra money, but you really will get a better shave, and you may nick yourself less.

  2. I need to go back to using an electric razor, I'm afraid. My face is so lumpy and hard, straight edge blades just don't cut it anymore. My electric razor finally sputtered out a few weeks ago, which is why I went back to blades. Maybe Nair is my next option.